On being overcome by the 'tragedy' of loving...

“My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad!” The words of the psalmist David, in Psalm 34, are written with purple marker on a large cream-colored paper taped onto my dorm wall along with drawings children have gifted me with;  maps of places that are dear to my heart; and last semester’s crazy schedule. Here again, with a little time at the opening of Spring semester ‘13 on my hands, I am thinking and praising God for the blessings of the past year and the one that is before us.

Writing is a beautiful and meaningful way I’ve found to articulate what I’ve been learning, wrestle with ideas, share these joys, (hopefully) encourage others and praise our Heavenly Father. The words of David, “My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad” ring true what joys I desire to share through the miracle of words. This reminds me of the words of a young 4^th grade girl in one conversation, “You know two things that amaze me Anna? First that in just those few letters, the letters of the alphabet, people write all the books in the world. All those big books …” My young friend’s eyes sparked with the wonder of language and how we can communicate through 26 simple letters many deep, meaningful thoughts. Here in this moment, I want with words to revel in the joy found in our Lord.

Where to start is the question in my mind. The past three weeks have probably been the most restful, refreshing and encouraging I’ve had in a couple years. I over extended myself in the previous semester and become quiet exhausted toward the close of the semester. I learned that it is not wise to commit almost every waking moment between 7 AM through 10 PM to various activities, no matter how ‘good’ the opportunity might be.

This being partly because God calls us to still ourselves before Himself daily. Daily. In doing this, He does calls us to listen, act and often change our first plan of action. He might want us to stop and talk with a burdened soul. He might have us to give a hug, or smile. He might call us to take a friend to the store or on a trip. He might have us stay up into the wee hours of the morning to share with a friend. However that change of plan might be it will require of us to listen and obey. The only way, I’ve found to do be able to listen and act is in being still before Him daily. Daily! Furthermore it is rather hard, I’ve learned, to be flexible for God when every waking hour to committed to earthly activities.

This brings to mind a quote from C.S. Lewis a friend posted on facebook that remained with me through the course of the past few months. The quote goes, “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves). I think this idea of what it takes to love can be tied right into stilling oneself before God. I found that when I was committing every moment to seemingly ‘good’ activities, I was, in fact, ‘carefully wrapping it (my heart) round with hobbies and little luxuries’.  I with good intentions of ‘learning new things’, ‘being adventurous’, ‘stepping outside my comfort zone’, ‘seizing the million little opportunities my school offers’ was rejecting the call of my Savior to love Him first and foremost, and secondly to love my neighbor, my brother and my friend. I was doing this through becoming so tied down to things, even good things, that I did not have time to still my soul, and to be flexible for others that is needed in loving anyone.

Think about it. Love requires flexibility. Imagine if your father, made plans to go watch his favorite football team playing in a local stadium, however right before he leaves to this game, he receives a phone call that you have been in a terrible auto accident and are at the hospital. Out of love, any father would certainly change his previous plans to go attend to the needs of his daughter. We would think it foreign and outrageous if a father would even think to do otherwise. However I find it ironic that in my own life how often I will stick to my own plans when someone I love needs otherwise. For example, just the other day I had made plans to go shooting with a friend. I was really very excited since this is a rare opportunity and something I don’t really know how to do, yet. It was going to be a learning experience and a fun one at that. However, I had to take my grandmother to town to get her dentures fixed. This outing took most of the day, I came back ready to go shooting. Mama, on the other hand, was looking forward to spending time with me before I had to go back to college. It was actually my last day home. At that moment, I had to make a decision of whether to do what I wanted or what my mom wanted because I loved her.

Similarly, how often are we, as Christians, called to stop what we want to do, and even planned to do, to spend time with, and in the presence of Him? We say, “We love God above all else”, but does our investments show that? How often do we take time for Him? Is it daily? This is where I am challenged and chided. Honestly, I would like to think I daily spend time, invested and stilled before, this God I’ve committed my life. The question is – “But Do I?” Does my life reflect the flexibility needed in truly loving God and my neighbor? Or does it show the signs of protecting itself and loving myself? As Lewis worded so cleverly, “The alternative to ‘tragedy’ (loving), or at least to the risk of ‘tragedy’, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

 As ironic and contrary to my own self-centered nature as it may be, I want to be overcome by this ‘tragedy’ of loving and being known for loving. I desire above all else to love, first God and secondly my neighbor, without reserve and without self-fish motivations. Furthermore, I believe that a place for myself to start is through stilling myself daily before God and being flexible in the little things, so as to be freed to share this love that only comes from Jesus Christ. St. Augustine of Hippo is known for praying, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” Join me and allow yourself to find the rest, love and quiet in that time invested in our Lord.

 

"For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not."--Isaiah 30:15