On being overcome by the 'tragedy' of loving...

“My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad!” The words of the psalmist David, in Psalm 34, are written with purple marker on a large cream-colored paper taped onto my dorm wall along with drawings children have gifted me with;  maps of places that are dear to my heart; and last semester’s crazy schedule. Here again, with a little time at the opening of Spring semester ‘13 on my hands, I am thinking and praising God for the blessings of the past year and the one that is before us.

Writing is a beautiful and meaningful way I’ve found to articulate what I’ve been learning, wrestle with ideas, share these joys, (hopefully) encourage others and praise our Heavenly Father. The words of David, “My soul makes its boast in the Lord; let the humble hear and be glad” ring true what joys I desire to share through the miracle of words. This reminds me of the words of a young 4^th grade girl in one conversation, “You know two things that amaze me Anna? First that in just those few letters, the letters of the alphabet, people write all the books in the world. All those big books …” My young friend’s eyes sparked with the wonder of language and how we can communicate through 26 simple letters many deep, meaningful thoughts. Here in this moment, I want with words to revel in the joy found in our Lord.

Where to start is the question in my mind. The past three weeks have probably been the most restful, refreshing and encouraging I’ve had in a couple years. I over extended myself in the previous semester and become quiet exhausted toward the close of the semester. I learned that it is not wise to commit almost every waking moment between 7 AM through 10 PM to various activities, no matter how ‘good’ the opportunity might be.

This being partly because God calls us to still ourselves before Himself daily. Daily. In doing this, He does calls us to listen, act and often change our first plan of action. He might want us to stop and talk with a burdened soul. He might have us to give a hug, or smile. He might call us to take a friend to the store or on a trip. He might have us stay up into the wee hours of the morning to share with a friend. However that change of plan might be it will require of us to listen and obey. The only way, I’ve found to do be able to listen and act is in being still before Him daily. Daily! Furthermore it is rather hard, I’ve learned, to be flexible for God when every waking hour to committed to earthly activities.

This brings to mind a quote from C.S. Lewis a friend posted on facebook that remained with me through the course of the past few months. The quote goes, “There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” (C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves). I think this idea of what it takes to love can be tied right into stilling oneself before God. I found that when I was committing every moment to seemingly ‘good’ activities, I was, in fact, ‘carefully wrapping it (my heart) round with hobbies and little luxuries’.  I with good intentions of ‘learning new things’, ‘being adventurous’, ‘stepping outside my comfort zone’, ‘seizing the million little opportunities my school offers’ was rejecting the call of my Savior to love Him first and foremost, and secondly to love my neighbor, my brother and my friend. I was doing this through becoming so tied down to things, even good things, that I did not have time to still my soul, and to be flexible for others that is needed in loving anyone.

Think about it. Love requires flexibility. Imagine if your father, made plans to go watch his favorite football team playing in a local stadium, however right before he leaves to this game, he receives a phone call that you have been in a terrible auto accident and are at the hospital. Out of love, any father would certainly change his previous plans to go attend to the needs of his daughter. We would think it foreign and outrageous if a father would even think to do otherwise. However I find it ironic that in my own life how often I will stick to my own plans when someone I love needs otherwise. For example, just the other day I had made plans to go shooting with a friend. I was really very excited since this is a rare opportunity and something I don’t really know how to do, yet. It was going to be a learning experience and a fun one at that. However, I had to take my grandmother to town to get her dentures fixed. This outing took most of the day, I came back ready to go shooting. Mama, on the other hand, was looking forward to spending time with me before I had to go back to college. It was actually my last day home. At that moment, I had to make a decision of whether to do what I wanted or what my mom wanted because I loved her.

Similarly, how often are we, as Christians, called to stop what we want to do, and even planned to do, to spend time with, and in the presence of Him? We say, “We love God above all else”, but does our investments show that? How often do we take time for Him? Is it daily? This is where I am challenged and chided. Honestly, I would like to think I daily spend time, invested and stilled before, this God I’ve committed my life. The question is – “But Do I?” Does my life reflect the flexibility needed in truly loving God and my neighbor? Or does it show the signs of protecting itself and loving myself? As Lewis worded so cleverly, “The alternative to ‘tragedy’ (loving), or at least to the risk of ‘tragedy’, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.”

 As ironic and contrary to my own self-centered nature as it may be, I want to be overcome by this ‘tragedy’ of loving and being known for loving. I desire above all else to love, first God and secondly my neighbor, without reserve and without self-fish motivations. Furthermore, I believe that a place for myself to start is through stilling myself daily before God and being flexible in the little things, so as to be freed to share this love that only comes from Jesus Christ. St. Augustine of Hippo is known for praying, “Our hearts are restless until they rest in You.” Join me and allow yourself to find the rest, love and quiet in that time invested in our Lord.

 

"For thus saith the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel; In returning and rest shall ye be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength: and ye would not."--Isaiah 30:15

 

 

 

Journey of a Soul in the Realm of Grace...

Here I sit, in the second floor kitchen of my dorm trying to study for tomorrow's exam. Katie is accompanying me with all her books sprawled about the table as she searches for primary resources for a report. There is a steady hum coming from the old heater along with the sounds of bluegrass music from Katie's laptop. A night autumn breeze is flowing through the cracked window. It's already 12:30 at night or in the morning - depending on ones perspective. As I try to study my mind keeps backtracking to a delightful thought I had today while at the general student recital in Gray Auditorium.

It was one of those moments, I was once again awed at life and the ways of the Lifegiver. It was one of those thoughts I couldn't not share (Right two negatives create a positive).  Let me try to paint this picture with words that so clearly today gave me a glimpse of God's sovereignty. This recital had about twenty students all preforming one piece from their private music lessons. Some had vocal pieces, while others were pianists, organists or a musician of another instrument. Between each piece, a student, James, came out to adjust the prestigious grand piano in the center of the stage for the next performer either lifting the giant lid or laying it back down. About midpoint during the recital, a beaming young Filipino student came out to preform a piano piece. He had a vibe of excitement about him that caused him to stand tall with pride and confidence in his hardly five feet stature. With an enthusiastic grin, he began playing an energetic tune.

As I am a friend of many international students, I began to think it odd how this student choose music as his major (an assumption of mine from seeing this student only in music related activities). A music major may seem a "waste" to some. My college is unique in that all students are given a full scholarship for all four years of tuition upon acceptance. Furthermore, only thirty international students are accepted each to receive admittance to my school. Most international students here choose a major like economics or business (boring I know). I wondered about this student, "What caused him to pursue the study of music rather than a study that would lead to "good" career options?"

This is when I realize that as people we are like this young man. We are all given a beautiful, precious gift of life. This gift is like the full scholarship for school we receive here at Berea College. Beyond this I realized that this journey as a Christian in the realm of grace received through Jesus Christ is like being one of thirty students around the world who receive this scholarship. Then I had another realization, that we are given a marvelous opportunity to be stewards of not only life but life in the realm of grace.

I saw a picture of God's sovereignty being like a student choosing his concentration of study. I began to see that God gives us options, choices, freedom to decide just how to use the life He gives. I saw that we don't have to be forced into dreary economics or business because it's a "good" career option but that we are allowed to pursue passions, like this student's passion of music. I began to see that God uses those decisions we make about vocation to bring about His will even if it be something "fun, desirable". We aren't forced in receiving the gift of life to use it in dreary, boring ways but can and should use the gift in a manner that produces joy, and fulfillment.

This does not mean that all of life will be a breeze just because we find freedom in God's gift. I'm sure this student had to put in much time, commitment and concentration to find the freedom of playing music. I'm certain that there were days his hands ached from playing, or he became frustrated from challenging new pieces, but as he doubled over for a thorough bow I saw that to him it was all worth it.

I too realize, as I bow before my Lifegiver, that as stressful as it can be at times God in His sovereignty has given me the ability and duty of choosing how to spend the gift of life. I am confident that with a heart in line with the things of God, He can use whatever vocation to further His kingdom be it music or economics. This is something, I am grateful for because I'd rather be in the study of music rather than dreadful economics...

It's a Good Day to be Alive

This morning when praying with Hannah in the dorm, she laughed at me.
 "What's funny?" I asked.
"It's just that you say that every morning. It reminds me of when I was in fourth grade and my teacher would say, 'It's Friday so you all need to be quiet." Then on Monday she would say, ' Children it's Monday so you NEED to be quiet."

I loved Hannah's laugh as she finished her little analogy comparing my daily comment, "It's a good day to be alive." It's true... I guess. As I thought about it... Everyday I do say, "Its a good day to be alive."

College life is a whirl. It's a beaut, a treasure, a dream of sorts. What I mean is everyday is a gift that comes and goes being replaced by another. But more than that I realize, sometimes just for an instance, that this opportunity is a blessing from my Heavenly Father. Why I've been 'so blessed'? I have no idea, no comprehension. However I do know this - It's a good day to be alive.

Let me try to explain. I'm studying Elementary Education, or rather how to be a teacher. It's an ambition that is growing within me. I've come to see it as the 'best' vocation to study. Others seems to disagree with an odd sort of smile when I mention that. All the same, this semester I've been taking four excellent classes - all of which teach me how to teach. One class has to do with teaching mathematics. Another with focuses on literature, another on curriculum... Then on top of that I get to discover new things of interest. Through choir and private voice lessons I am being shown the wonder of music. Through Danish gymnastics and Frisbee, I am being taught the joy and challenge of being outside my comfort zone and working with others to learn a challenging thing. I mean, "I am the girl who struggles to do a cartwheel and now you want me to do a back flip?" Through work, I get the joy of learning an old art - broom making. Who makes brooms these days? (And it used arm muscles I don't have ...) Through morning prayer, CRU bible study, and random conversations I am blessed with Christian fellowship. Oh, and did I mention, classroom observation at the local elementary school or drumming with the African-Latin percussion ensemble?

Now I don't mean to gloat; my point in writing this is deeper than that (I hope). Yes, I do feel blessed and rightly so. The truth is that I have been. But what is interesting to me is: "Why am I not everyday awed at God's provisions?" And further still, "Would I in different circumstances see God's goodness and provision?"

Many a day I state, "It's a good day to be alive" out of habit. However, I on the inside am stressed about the 40 page admission portfolio I am writing for my education program, or complaining about the fact that I'm still single, or worried about voice lessons because I didn't practice more than twice that week, or feeling lonely because college friendships are not like a family's. Why do I not everyday recognize the blessing God has bestowed rather than focus on the little petty circumstances of life that my self-center, fallible nature wants to change.

I was writing a friend who is living in difficult circumstances and feeling a little on the guilty side about writing about how awesome college life is when it struck me - No matter the circumstances, my nature will complain and focus on the negative unless my heart is focused on the Lord my God. Scriptures say, "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" (Jeremiah 17:9). My heart is deceitful and will complain even in the midst of immense blessing.
The truth is without Jesus my heart would and does become calloused with the lies of materialism, education, and my own goals and career..."For this people's heart has become calloused; they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes. Otherwise they might see with their eyes, hear with their ears, understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them." (Matthew 13:15)

I desire to allow Jesus to heal my calloused, dull heart and blind eyes when I go through a day without recognizing His presence, blessing, provisions and promises. That is why I must exercise the exhortation, "Finally, brothers, whatever things are true, whatever things are honest, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things." Philippians 4:8. With a mind thinking on what is good and true, then I will see... Then I have another question. Would I be able to praise my Heavenly Father when the circumstances are not good? Could I like Elizabeth Elliot who was widowed at as a young mother say, "The secret is not me in a different set of circumstances but Christ in me." Could I have that confidence in Christ's goodness? Could I like Corrie TenBoom say, "Often I have heard people say, "How good God is! We prayed that it would not rain for our church picnic, and look at the lovely weather!" Yes, God is good when He sends good weather. But God was also good when He allowed my sister, Betsie, to starve to death before my eyes in a German concentration camp. I remember one occasion when I was very discouraged there. Everything around us was dark, and there was darkness in my heart. I remember telling Betsie that I thought God had forgotten us. "No, Corrie," said Betsie, "He has not forgotten us. Remember His Word: "For as the heavens are high above the earth, so great is His steadfast love toward those who fear Him." Corrie concludes, "There is an ocean of God's love available - there is plenty for everyone. May God grant you never to doubt that victorious love - whatever the circumstances." ? I am challenged to live each day in the blessed assurance of God's goodness no matter the circumstances. Would you join me in saying, "It's a good day to be alive because the Lord is good!"

Transformation

Transformation

Roaring waters swirl and engulf my home.
Once an array of distinct colors
Formed an uplifting
Rainbow of promise.
A whirlwind struck at night
Destroying all order
Creating a conglomeration of mud -
Thick, pasty, tasteless mud.

I am brought down to sense
The minuteness of mankind.
For God formed Adam from dust
And Eve from Adam's rib.
Yet, God made man in His Image.
We are called to glorify His Name.

Open the shades which close us in darkness.
Let the Son shine within;
Let him mold us with His gentle hands;
Let Him breathe color into our souls.

Turning our gaze outward
We will see a multitude of rainbows
Surmounting the surrounding clouds.

As soon as we open our hearts to our Creator,
He shines His Light upon our souls,
Transforming slimy worms
Scurrying through depths of mud
to
Fragile butterflies fluttering
Among meadows of wildflowers
Scattered upon rugged mountain slopes.

by Julie St. John l987

Do you love me?

"As long as I keep running about asking: "Do you love me? Do you really love me?" I give all power to the voices of the world and put myself in bondage because the world is filled with "ifs." The world says: "Yes, I love you if  you are good-looking , intelligent, and wealthy. I love you if you have a good education, a good job, and good connections. I love you if you produce much, sell much, and buy much." There are endless "ifs" hidden in the world's love. These "ifs" enslave me, since it is impossible to respond adequately to all of them. The world's love is and always will be conditional. As long as I keep looking for my true self in the world -- trying, failing, and trying again. It is a world that fosters addictions because what it offers cannot satisfy the deepest craving of my heart"
~Henri Nouwen in The Return of the Prodigal Son

Longings

Longings

There’s a longing in the soul
A piece of me a-waitin’
To let loose to the love within

There’s a longing in the heart
Filled, full and overflowing
Ready, ripe and expectant

There’s a longing in the being
Which knows there’s more of a meaning
Then keeping all this flowing within this
Wretched soul

There’s a piece of me a-waitin’
With so much, that I’m bursting
Ready, for the giving to another
Of similar yearning

But ready, and ripe as this heart may be
God tells me to be awaiting
For His perfect working

Though I am ready,
And the clock seems to be delaying
God knows the timing
And He tells me
I may share this yearning love
With a distressing, and weary world

The secret in my waiting is, He says
That if I share this love abroad
In His perfect way
Then and only then
Will I truly be ready for the one of similar yearning.

~Anna Dunlap

This is the first poem I've ever written. I was inspired through watching two lovers, and while I yearn for the day which I have one to love in such a way, I realized that this love that God has gifted me with doesn't have to suppressed but can be shared with all the people he puts into my path. For love is something which is not divided, but multiplied... It grows and the more love I pour out the more that God gives. And thus, my poem flowed from this desire for a companion, but greater yet from the realization that I must wait, and though I feel ready, the time as not yet come...So in the meantime, I have the joy of sharing the love God gives me with others.

Wondrous Enigma - the reflections of a whimsical damsel

Oh, the astounding, inexplicable mysteries life holds...Life full of twists, turns, adventure, trials, laughter, awe, heartache, joy and enigmas... As Elizabeth Elliot wrote in her book, Keep a Quiet Heart, "Some things are simply too wonderful for explanation - the navigational system of the Arctic tern, for example. How does it find its way over twelve thousand miles of ocean from its nesting grounds in the Arctic to its wintering grounds in the Antarctic! Ornithologists have conducted all sorts of tests without finding the answer. Instinct is the best they can offer- no explanation at all, merely a way of saying that they really have no idea. A Laysan albatross was once released 3,200 miles from its nest in the Midway Islands. It was back home in ten days. The Migration of birds is a thing too wonderful."

Similarly, I see the mystery of life and how it unfolds as a 'thing simply too wonderful for explanation'. David in one of his prayers to our Lord wrote, "Lord, my heart in not proud; my eyes are not haughty. I don't concern myself with matters too great or too awesome for me to grasp. Instead, I have calmed and quieted myself, like a weaned child who no longer cries for its mother's milk. Yes, like a weaned child is my soul within me." (Psalm 131) That is a rather absurd way for a modern person to describe the state of their soul - like a weaned child... ha ha, but its true, we don't always understand the riddles that life presents but we know the One who does. This One not only understands it, but created it, loves it and is the sovereign ruler of life. So my duty as a human that wants to serve God with her whole being is too be calmed and quieted in the bosom of the Savior. 'May it suffice me, as it sufficed Mary, to know that God knows. So if it's time to work, may I get on with my job. If it's time to go to bed, may I sleep in peace and let the Lord of the Universe do the worrying (paraphrase of E. Elliot).'

I hope this makes a little sense. Life isn't a total mystery though in Deuteronomy when Isreal is being called to return to the Lord they are told, "This command (to turn to the Lord) I am giving you is not too difficult for you to understand, and it is not beyond your reach. It is not kept in heaven, so distant that you must ask, "Who will go up to heaven and bring it down so we can hear it and obey?...No, the message is very close at hand; it is on your lips and in your heart so that you can obey it (30:11-14)." God gives what we need for today...

So let me repeat, "May it suffice me, as it sufficed Mary, to know that God knows." I must rest in my Savior. I must keep my heart quiet in my Savior. I must. So must you.

It's been awhile since, I've written anything about myself personally. This past year has most been one of the most difficult, challenging but blessed years of my life. Sounds kind of like a paradox. Let's see where I should start...

Well, I'm once again surrounded by homework, I am sitting in a prestigious looking, brick dorm built in 1887 on the beautiful campus of 1600 college students nestled in the hills of Kentucky. This dorm is my new home for the next three years. The journey which brought me to this place was interesting.

Community college ended up being the most difficult things I've ever done... Every preconceived idea of what college would be like was crushed. If I could do things over again, I would change a lot of things I did. But, the past is the past and cannot be 'redone'... reflecting I see many, many hard lessons learned that would not have been otherwise. Startling facts about myself where staring me in the face such as how what an unutterable self-fish person I am and how easily my heart can be swayed...basically, I was so all wrapped up in myself to the point of being depressed. Anyhow, Easter was kinda a break through for me when I realized that the secret to contentment is 'Christ in me not me in a different set of circumstances'. I had to, as is a daily journey, learn to embrace surrender and serve others.

Anyhow, at the end of my second semester of my freshmen year of school, I had no desire to set-foot-in-school again, but I was accepted to another college an hour and a half from my home with a $27,000 scholarship. A blessing wearing a disguise at the time. Also, in the early spring I was pursuing the possibility of nannying for a missionary family in Isreal. I had heard about a program which connects ladies willing to help a missionary family to a family who would appreciate extra help with their family. Anyhow, I began to feel that this pursuit was more my excitment for adventure then God's will... So I prayed, "If you want me to go to Isreal let it work out if not I'll stay home." It fell through and I thought, "Ok, God, what is this about?" Intentionally, I thought I might know why (but that was definitely ended up not being why). So, I moved back home. Actually, moved into the cabin on my parents property with Grandma. I began my summer working at a children's home in the area I had worked at before...at the home, I worked with the handicap and cared for them each day along with other women. And I love my job! In early, June God brought my family a new sister, Esther. This young lady was kicked out of her home and needed a place to live... So Esther moved in with us... and I realized why God had me stay in Kentucky. It was a very blessed, full and challenging summer. And there where so many experiences and things I learned that I cannot share here... Thus life continues, summer ended all to quickly and I did set my feet back in school...both feet, I made the decision and the dive and am here. This school is much different from the last and I have nothing to complain about... maybe I shall share about this experience soon.

Well, I hope something of these ramblings can be meaningful to you. The Lord is good and his mercy endures forever. Never forget that :)